Losing Kelly was hard. I didn’t think I would ever get over losing her. I didn’t. It was horrible, I could never give myself over completely to the people I wanted so badly to love.
Rachel really got the shit end of the stick when it came to me. It’s not that I didn’t love her, we wouldn’t still be friends otherwise. It’s just that looking back I see so blatantly that I kept parts of me private from her. I couldn’t risk the chance of investing my full self.
Stephen, well I’ll get to that eventually. Suffice it to say that I was a giant fortress of walls with him. He probably was with me, too. We used each other. Hindsight being 20/20….I even knew while we were together that I was completely closed up.
In my hurting hormonal teenage mind I really thought I had fallen in love with Rachel. Stephen, I never tried to kid myself about. I didn’t try to kid him, either. If we were one thing, we were at least honest.
There were a couple of other girls in college, after Stephen. They have their own stories, but Abigail took the cake when it came to heart break.
God, I loved that girl. I thought I was going to marry her. She ripped my heart apart piece by piece. She chipped away at it, little by little, until my whole world just crumbled around me.
Yet, explaining how she broke my heart is hard.
We started dating at the very beginning of our senior year in college. Three years into the relationship I’m ready to start a family, and she tells me she doesnt think she can marry me……ever.
It’s not that I needed to get married right then, it’s just that the three years had apparently been a lie. The talks about our lives, our goals, our love, our future… all were apparently conditional on money.
The funny thing, she still thinks I broke her heart. In the end I was the one who did the walking. It wasn’t pretty, though.
I became so incredibly jaded. So jaded, that I was totally okay with being jaded. I had seen nothing but Abigail and I together in my future for so long. When I finally realized that wasn’t happening. I just couldn’t see a future. After a while I didn’t want to see a future. I was content for quite some time with the idea of only living for here and now.
Filed under: Private, abigail, anger, fear, kelly, lesbian, love, Rachel, romance, sex, Stephen
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[...] A Seat at the Circus put an intriguing blog post on Red Queens #038; Broken HeartsHere’s a quick excerptThe Bfunny/B thing, she still thinks I broke her heart. In the end I was the one who did the walking. It wasn’t pretty, though. [...]